The one thing that’s guaranteed to break up your relationship
When Amanda told me she was taking some time away from blogging to get married and asked if I would do a guest blog during this time, I knew what was up.
While to the innocent bystander it must have looked like a casual request between bloggers for some top notch #content and an extra weighty carriage on the blog post momentum train, I could see this for what it actually was: a thinly disguised plea for relationship advice.
Now, Sam and Amanda have a good relationship; they’re getting married after all. But I’ve been married for almost 5 years and in a long term relationship for more years than I have fingers to count on so I’m basically the expert at shackling yourself to another person in a way that teeters on the healthy side of codependent.
Basically I wouldn’t be surprised if the entire conceit of this blog from the very beginning was just one big ruse by Amanda to get stealth relationship advice outta me. I mean, what actually rhymes with ribbons? Gibbons. That’s what. Whole lotta monkey business going on right here.
While Amanda should work on being more direct about asking for guidance, it is a special time in her life, so I’m just gonna go ahead and give her the one big piece of relationship counsel I know as a kind of wedding present.
Relationships break down all the time, leaving people shaking their heads and screaming “Why, god why did it have to happen to me?” into the abyss. Well, I know why and I know the one thing you absolutely need to avoid if you don’t want to find yourself singing Gloria Gaynor covers with a bad haircut at 11am on random Thursdays because that’s the only thing that makes sense during a break up.
What’s the one thing that’s guaranteed to break up your relationship? Being outside my bedroom window at 3am.
Seriously. I’ll give you a moment to digest that. Rest assured, good people, it is true. Everyone who has momentarily dwelled outside of my bedroom window at 3am has been screaming about a break up. I would know, I’m the one trying to sleep just a few meters away. Turns out that the street just outside my house is in fact the aforementioned abyss and it’s where all the best relationships in London come to die.
Even some of the more obviously lackluster relationships choose to spend their final tender moments hurling sweet bollocks at high decibels around my neighbourhood. One particularly robust fellow dealt with his partner’s discovery of his less than monogamous leanings with a series of swift headbutts to the rather large fence across the way. For the last couple he even gave himself a generous run up.
None of this would have happened if he hadn’t been outside my house at 3am. This striking phenomenon has even been observed among couples who ought to have a reasonably solid foundation. The fact that you are the mother of his child does not mean that you won’t want to spit screeching venom in his face and that of his best friend when you find yourself standing outside my bedroom window at 3am. One not so young lady learnt this valuable lesson a couple of Tuesdays ago.
Avoid the area outside my sleeping quarters during the wee small hours if you value your relationship and want your love to remain strong. Hell, avoid Greenwich altogether during that time if you have no good reason to be there.
I find a simple Cinderella-oh-god-its-all-gonna-turn-into-a-pumpkin mindset works well and keeps me tucked safe inside, away from the danger zone and content in wedded bliss. I implore you to try this mindset on for size.
That way, I get my beauty sleep and you get to remain in loved up euphoria with occasional naked frivolity. It’s a win/win.