Lifestyle

On Settling

on settling

There’s so much negative stigma attached to “settling”. Settle down, settle for less. It implies that you are taking less than you deserve, that you are being complacent in various aspects of your life. But here’s a confession: what if I just want to settle? Here are dozens of synonyms for settle:

“resolve, sort out, reach an agreement about, find a solution to, find an answer to, solve, clear up, bring to an end, fix, work out, iron out, smooth over, straighten out, deal with, put right, set right, put to rights, rectify, remedy, reconcile”

And what if that’s it? What if I just want to put my life to rights and be? I grew up a very type-A person. I would push myself to the breaking point. At age 12 I would spend hours agonising over every detail of my homework. When I went to university and people complained about the work load, I would roll my eyes and think “you haven’t been doing this for the past 10 years? How?” And to me success was being at the top of the career ladder, having an important white collar job, owning your own business, being your own boss, being a #GirlBoss, having an awesome house/vacation/wardrobe.  When I measured myself against this yard stick I failed every time. The stress of it all lead to anxiety medication and eating disorders and all around-unhappiness.

One day I was sitting on the tube crying (yes literally) because a) the Victoria Line at rush hour is the worst and I knew Southern wouldn’t be running to get me home b) I had worked an insane amount of hours at work, not only normal office hours but getting calls throughout my evenings, personal time, weekends (even NYE and Boxing Day one year) c) despite this amount of work, I was pushing myself to blog every day because I was most passionate about this space d) I’d failed as an actress in London and that’s why I was working the job in part b) and e) not only was I trying to keep on top of 5 days of blogging per week but I was (and still do) responding to every single comment that I get.  I was so done with everything that I felt numb to it all. Who cares?

Change didn’t happen overnight, but I started to realise that I didn’t really want to be at the top of the career ladder. I didn’t want to be always working. I didn’t need a brag-able job. That it’s pointless to live your life for an unknown moment in time when you feel like you’ve “made it”. Gradually, it made me realise that I just wanted to be happy. Just happy. Sure, I’d love to be my own boss and blog full-time. Or maybe have my own bakery stall. Or a cookbook. Or write a normal book. To have a beautiful house and be able to take nice holidays. And yes, I will continue to push myself hard to actualise those dreams. But I do not need to max myself out on all fronts all the time. I just want enough out of life to be happy.

Enough money not to worry about bills and have my own home. Enough money to buy the luxury of spending more time with friends and family. A job that I work hard at because I care about it, but that I don’t kill myself for. To do more than just keep my head above water and be comfortable.

So if any one were to ask me now what I wanted to be when I grew up (because aged 30 I  still have more growing to do) I would say “happy”.

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